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Tuesday, May 1

Self down lettence.

I know that that is not a word, lettence. But I don't care. I claim my literally right to create my own creations, be they words, drawings, photographs or any other artistic thing.

Anyway, let's get to the point. This is not some selfpity post. No, this is about letting oneself, and others, down. I'm sure you've all been there. I'm there now. The most recent occasions would have to be Koninginnedag (Queensday, we celebrate our queen's birthday) and my summer course in the UK that I am not doing.

I have been complaining to myself about the fact that I never go out. It's hard and all, and I feel a burden to other people, and in most occasions would be. It's not easy getting around town in a wheelchair, and I never blamed anyone for not wanting to take me. On the day before Koninginnedag, I was ask to go celebrate by a couple of my housemates. At first I was over the moon about it. But then as the day went on I got all anxious about it. It's very very crowded, and I'd have to take my wheelchair, and truth be told, none of the people going are perfectly mobile theirselves. So I called and canceled. I let myself down. I feel stupid.

The summer course in the UK is something I was kind of wanting to do. The accomodation however, has me shaking. When I checked my agenda, I found out I already had plans during the period the course is in, but that's not the point. I'm too scared. I let myself down. And a certain family member that I really would rather not let down.

Well, this is all. It felt good writing it all down. Advice is most welcome.

With love,

Maartje

1 comment:

whitelady said...

I find it very hard to give advice here, though I would like to try.

Being 32, I only recently have begun to try and stop this self down lettence (a very good word, btw!). For example last week, when my boss started to develop a habit for standing behind me when working, and when asked, only said "I just wanted to look!". Well, I hated that. It made me feel like I was still a stupid little girl and he was the big teacher. But he is only three years older than me. So last week, I simply told him. I told him that I do not want him to do that, that I will willingly give him information if he just asks how this or that project is going. He totally couldn´t cope with it and acted childishly the days afterwards (he didn´t want to have his lunch break with me anymore... argh. Men.). By now, he has calmed down.

I don´t know if this can be an advice of some sort, but I think being brave and pushing oneself over some kinds of limits one has, is one of the biggest and most difficult challenges everone has to learn first. For some people it may mean saying "no" to other people, for others it may mean going to a course in England, like you. Now from what I read here, this is even a more huge endeavour for you than for other people.

Ah, now there is one piece of advice I read in my Kyudo book. The Japanese Samurai had a sentence for guidance when being at war. They were told to never think about what could happen. Because if they did, they possibly couldn´t shoot anymore, being afraid of not hitting.

Maybe this helps. But from my kind of view, I would say – give yourself time. You still have a lifetime to try. I know there is this view of "carpe diem" and all. But if it stresses you, it can´t be good either. Just keep it in mind, and work on it. Don´t be too hard on yourself.

All the best wishes for you,
Nadine