Jane Doe

Well, not really, but I'm sure the words Identity and Crisis do not come as strangers for the most of you. Saying that I am a Jane Doe would be hypocritical. After all, I've lived with myself for nearly 20 years now. But sometimes, I discover parts of myself that I've not noticed before, or don't entirely understand.

I used to think I had a solid plan for life, or at least for the part where I grow up and establish, so to say. I've always been the quiet, somewhat shy girl in the background. I expected to stay that girl for a long time, maybe even forever. A couple of close friends, good education, a serious life. I never used to care much for parties and going out to gigs and festivals. In fact, I was pretty happy with that idea.

But things change, so suddenly, sometimes, that you hardly notice it. Then after a while, it hits you so hard it can have you down on your knees for weeks. Little changes, big changes, in the end it all comes down to the same thing. These changes effect you. They change who you are and who you want to become.

Changes, for me, are very frightening. I'm so easily affected by new things, new feelings, that I sometimes don't know how to handle them. It feels like I've got to run to keep up with myself. It feels like growing out of this old, comfortable sweater, but not being able to find a new one that fits. And all of a sudden other things stop matching. Who am I? People's ideas of me, my friends, my plans. They just don't add up completely anymore. And in that lays a choice we all have to make. Do you adjust to the world, or do you wait for the world to adjust to you?

I compromise.

With love,

Maartje